When Loving Is Too Much: The Smothering Mother

By Karyl E Pope

Sometimes a mother misunderstands the meaning of the word love. She may have had too little of the real thing as a child. Or she may unconsciously be seeing the abandoned, hurt, abused and helpless child she herself once was, in her child, and may be trying in her way, to heal her own old hurt, by giving lots of love to her real child. This would not be a conscious decision but rather a fierce driven need to protect and care for that child, so that what happened to her will not happen to him. But because there are some parts missing in her own development, she tends not to be wise in the kind of love she gives or the timing of it. And because of that, she may end up creating the opposite of what happened to her, which may be just as detrimental as what happened to her. She may give way too much sympathy for life’s little disappointments, scraped knees or bruised feelings. She may give way too much protection, sending her child a message that the world is a dangerous place, that he is weak and helpless, or that other people are out to get him. Instead of teaching the child ways that he can handle his oppressors wherever that is a possibility, and put up with them when necessary, she may rush in too soon and help too much, depriving him of an opportunity to grow stronger and more self confident.

A common version we see between a parent and a child is when the child has some kind of handicap and/or Mom is carrying a lot of guilt. The rescuer projects her own Inner Child, where she has stored all of her own buried hurts and needs, onto the child and cares for them "out there." Now, far from being able to seek help to address her own old hurts, she does not even need to acknowledge their existence. Once she is able to see all of her own vulnerabilities in someone else (her child), this enables her to feel and appear much stronger than she really is. Instead of being a mature loving mother, she may be a little girl (inside) acting the way she thinks a loving mother would act.

Sometimes a child really does need his Mom to actually deal with the situation, when there is abuse by a father or stepfather, a teacher at school, or school bullies, but the mother who is best at giving comfort and sympathy, never having had the chance to resolve the hurts of her own childhood, may lack the strength to actually take appropriate action, and put a stop to the abuse. She could call the Children’s Aid and complain about her husband’s abuse of her child, she could go to school and demand a different teacher for her child; she could go to the school principal or the police and tell them about the bullies that are picking on her child. Instead, when he comes to her crying, she may give him the only kind of help that she knows how to give, comforting him, giving him sympathy, perhaps telling him that those other people are bad and reassuring him that he is the better person. Unwittingly, she is teaching him that hurting is the best way to get love. He observes that Mom will always love and comfort him when he is hurting or when others are unkind or unfair, and that she is more involved with him emotionally at those times than at any other time.

What he is not learning is how to handle difficult situations, how to avoid setting himself up to be bullied, how to stand up for himself, how not to jump to conclusions that the other person wants to hurt him, how to get teachers or other kids to like him and to listen to him, how to read other people better, so he will recognize danger and learn how to avoid it when it is there, and not mistake others’ intent and see malevolence when it is not there. He may be learning a pattern of self pity, looking outside of Self to be “rescued” which could turn into a lifetime of seeing himself as a victim, and then becoming a victim, unless someone teaches him better basic Life Skills. The skills he needs are skills like these: how to get along with other people, how to get help when you need it, and how to avoid situations in which you could get hurt. He also needs to gain more realistic expectations of life like “life is not always fair” and “some people are difficult and hard to get along with”. He needs ways to comfort himself and care for himself when it is not practical to address the situation outwardly. And he needs to have more than one adult that he can trust, talk to and depend on. A belief that “my mother is the only person in the world who really loves me, or could ever help me” can lead to dependency and, in later years, co-dependency.

It would be helpful if at least one other adult could be brought into the picture, whether it be a relative, a kind neighbour or a professional, to help solve the problem. But often this Mother has not had much experience either, of others being there when you need them, so she thinks all she can do is be there herself. And that she does with a vengeance. When he hurts, she hurts even more. He comes to realize this. In some cases he may feel guilty for making his Mother feel so bad. In any case he is aware that she is closely watching his moods. As he gets older he may wish for more separation but that will be very hard to get. And he may have conflicting emotions about even wanting more distance, from the only one who was ever there for him. Also, when the going gets tough, he is likely to always be tempted to turn to Mom to bail him out. He has not learned how to be strong himself.

When he is abused by a gang of other children, or comes home and tells Mom that his camp counsellor is touching him in ways that don’t feel right, Mom (perhaps triggered by old unresolved childhood hurts of her own) may not be able to endure the pain of seeing what is happening and may ignore it, but she often will try to make it up to him later. Or she may come up with advice like “just ignore them” or “just remember you are better than them” If she is able to see that she needs some help herself, or if she takes her child for help, the counsellor will help both of them. She will get help to talk to the teacher, the Children’s Aid, the school principal or the police. She will also get help for her child so he will learn better social skills as well as good play skills and academic skills. Then he will appear stronger and more popular to his peers. She may be able to help him figure out how to resolve some of the problems that rise with other children. She might encourage him to invite another child over to play, planning in advance with him, some ideas of things they could do together. She might help him to develop skills that will gain admiration from his peers. As a temporary solution she might find an older boy who will walk with him to school until he has developed some friends his age. The earlier she gets professional help for both her and the child, the better the chances are of turning this around. Without intervention, he may learn that the best way to get love is to be a victim, and some children will eventually carry this to frightening extremes.

It Works If You Work!

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© Karyl Pope 2004

Karyl Pope
Burlington, Ontario
905-639-4529
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