Making Connections - Together but Lonely

By Karyl E Pope

Sometimes we feel that we are too busy to make good connections with those we should be closest to. It doesn’t have to take much time to share a feeling and you will be surprised how much difference it makes to how close and secure you feel in your relationship. Take the time to share two positive feelings and one negative feeling every day for one week. Share the feeling and do not have expectations about how your partner should respond. Further discussion may or may not follow, at that time or later. If there is no further discussion, the feeling was still important and it was still important that you shared it. If you are feeling critical, blaming or judgemental, try to find a way to translate those feelings in the ways described below. If they come out as raw criticism, blame or judgement, they will widen the gap between the two of you. See if you can include a touch on the arm or shoulder and eye contact as well, before you share a feeling, so you are sure you have his or her attention. That will help. After you do this for a week, look closely at your relationship and see if it feels different than it did one week ago. It works if you work.

Positive Feelings You Can Share
“When you said/say or did/do that I felt/feel:
happy, contented, warm, safe
joyful, enthusiastic, excited, delighted
comforted, peaceful
hopeful, supported, backed up, confident
loveable, loved
important, confident
respected, proud, worthy
loved, loveable

Negative Feelings You Can Share
“When you said/say or did/do that I felt/feel:
discouraged, unimportant, invisible, useless, worthless
rejected, unwanted, hurt
powerless, helpless,
scared, anxious,
lonely, abandoned, alone
sad, depressed, hopeless
unloved, unlovable, ugly
ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated

If your partner answers by telling you that your feelings are unwarranted, illogical or ridiculous, tell him/her that feelings do not have to be logical. They are always valid, just because.

Tell him or her that s/he can help you a lot if s/he will just listen and care, instead of feeling attacked and getting defensive. Tell him or her this: You are not trying to make him/her out to be bad or wrong. When someone feels bad, someone else does not have to be to blame.

We don’t need a bad person and a good person. In fact, if we go this route we will never get anything resolved between us.

Tell him/her this as well: Even if you felt hurt by something s/he said, that does not have to mean that s/he is bad or wrong. You may just be sensitive on that subject and you need him/her to know that so s/he can be careful in the future not to hurt you. It is reasonable to expect your partner to put some effort into not hurting you and it is always good to ask for what you want.

It Works If You Work!

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
© Karyl Pope 2004

Karyl Pope
Burlington, Ontario
905-639-4529
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info@kpopeassoc.on.ca